a letter to a friend

Hi,
I was thinking of your thoughts from the other night throughout today. I have to admit I had a hard time connecting to parts of what you said. Some of that is natural. When I came back from my trip I really didn't know how to share the experience with others. There's something so totally other about visiting a new place that can never quite be expressed.

I think another part of my struggle was some of your thoughts on the comparison of life here and in Africa. You know I've grown up in the church. I've heard thousands of missionary stories and talked to dozens of people who have been overseas and very often I hear comparisons of our lives here in the States and the lives of believers elsewhere.

I always have a great deal of respect for those people, as I do for you. I've not seen what they have or been to the places you have. I also wonder though where we go from those comparisons. Is there some benefit these words have?

One of my gut reactions is "Yes." These words encourage docile people to sacrifice for others, eating out less for example so that they can sponsor a child.

Other times I think, "No." These words can be a step towards people with emotional needs suppressing their needs because they're not as bad, sort of like how no one mentions pray for their broken arm after a cancer request is mentioned.

I'm still pondering all this in my own life as I present missions work to people here in the States and would be happy to hear your thoughts.

I desire to challenge believers and be sensitive to the needs that physically are less but equally messy on a spiritual level.


the kid

and then i ask myself, "who am i kidding?"

if i really think this is part of real life, i can't just give up. today the internet allowed me to be immeadiately available to pray for a friend. a few days ago i was there to encourage someone i've met recently online.

God may well move me to Texas. He might call me to get offline for a while. till then though there is a a connection to people that surround me, which is valid and important.

i was talking to Ken (link to his blog to the right) not too long ago about the concept of community online and had pretty much forgotten it until i ran across a comment online today. the circumstances aren't really important but it reminded me that people approach the web with some very different goals and mentalities.

for some it's a pure escape from reality into temprorary bliss. hitting the webcomics, reading crazy stories and see what's out there are all they really care about.

for some it's an attempt to find love and acceptance that's not found other places. blogs, message boards and online games provide a place to remake yourself in ways that many find impossible in real life.

for most though it's a crazy mixed bag. sometimes the person will seek to escape with a fun game. other times they'll debate the nature of reality in an online community. they might even develop established circles of fellow conversationalists. while they probably have love and acceptance elsewhere this world can become a part of their core.

is that pathetic? some would say, "yes." this place can never attain what real life relationships can. there's some truth to that but life is rarely that simple. i've prayed for, encouraged and served others online. in turn, others have done the same for me.

who knows? maybe this is my defense of self action here. i'm just tired of folks assuming that becuase it's a virtual world words can be tossed around without consequence. i'm thinking of leaving some of my digitial homes for an extended vacation at some point here. maybe when i return i'll have more patience for it all.

i'm relatively young at 25 i realize. i'm not married, don't have kids and there's no major obligations on the horizon other than to God. though i'm often pondering, cautious and slow to act i realize i'm much more oriented towards dynamic change and an active lifestyle than many i interact with on a daily basis.

so here i am. in my heart i have a drive for revolution. in my head mental hesitation towards action. in my stomach an appetite for the easy stuff that i need to constantly fight against.

i want to see the blood of my brothers and sisters burn hot with intensity for God's way, not in judgement but in love in service. i quickly spout the language of revolution and dynamic action.

i stop and ponder though. how can it ever happen? human insitutions can't be abandoned but the revolutionary becomes the tyrant so many times. can i step outside this silly cycle? is there hope?

then i sit down. i have great friends, a good church and a nice apartment. i don't really need to excel. i can get by, making my friends and myself happy.

but as i sit my mind is shifted. i see the death pool i'm sitting in. while i sat mold grew around me and the foundations cracked. inactivity wasn't nearly as static as i thought.

so slowly i stand up again and crack open the windows. blue skies, fresh ocean breezes and a brilliant sun revive my strength. there is something more out there. there is something transcendent worth dying for.

so here i am. my heart aflame again, my muscles regenerated and my palms open, giving up on all that seemed important. there is still that pesky mind though. the appetite is no longer strong enough to control but the vestiges of old growth, bent and gnarled, remain.

i need that blinding sunshine each day, piercing more than my retinas and bringing fresh life to the ancient truth that was forgotten for so long.

uh yeah...

i've often enjoyed Star Trek for tackling major ethical issues in an enjoyable sci-fi world but good dialogue wasn't the strong point of any of the series.

character one: we need to turn their own greed against them.

character two: are you suggesting a ruse of some sort?

character one: i am

i mean come on. it's just gratingly painful sometimes.

dying to self is killing me
but when i don't i die to reality

-------------------------------------------------------


now for something completely different:

here is what is happening in the Episcopalian church

is this the new wave of denominationalism? trouble is brewing in most major denominations over homosexuality and something will have to give it seems, but unity, at least in public, is in fashion nowdays. can't say i'd know what to do in their place.

well i'm back. i thought i'd give everyone a break after that blazing stream of two consecutive posts.

God has been very good in the past week or so.

i've been given some renewed vision for the group i work with and some hope that change will come in deeds, not just words.

i've been given a new vision for the cool things God could do if I moved to Dallas, which looks likely. spending time with Chris and his family gave me hope that there are "progressive" believers who have an active faith in the area. i knew it was true but often missions folks don't get out much if you know what i mean so i know finding quality people at my local church will be key.

i've also been given a new vision for the area in general. i love the climate and beauty of So Cal so leaving that will be hard. Arlington and the outskirts of Dallas have a rural beauty though that reminds me of Pennsylvania. maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to live in small city somewhere and then get out to the country easily when i want to. best of both worlds maybe?

there are still many unresolved issues in life. problems don't go away, but God brings hope and joy. He renews and restores my soul. i'm beginning to look anxiously toward to future, eager to see what He's got going.

"life isn't easy right now," i told a friend in similar words. really it isn't easy for anyone. our walk is a treacherous one. an enemy is on our left and even our our own tendencies betray us.

lately i've felt particularly under the gun. i've been in a state or personal ambiguity for 6-12 months to some degree though if you want to get technical from the first day i arrived in so cal i knew i was probably bound to move. but time went on. i found a church, friends and a place to rest my head. but time goes on. it may soon be time to leave these things behind.

my family is also of great concern to me. nearly everyone in my immediate family is facing some question about the future. a number of people in my extended family are facing serious illness and there are family issues to boot.

in times like this, when all supports seem weak or distant, i crumple at the feet of my Savior. i don't know if the majority of my life is honoring to Him. i don't know how i'll be asked to honor him in the next month even. but i do know one thing.

i am compelled to serve my God.

there is a finality to that which is imprinted on my brain and my heart. i cannot escape it. i cannot give up my faith. i cannot look away. whether paralyzed or revitalized i have no choice in the matter any more.

i pray that God gives me vision to see the joy of His coming and His salvation.
i pray that God gives me intellect to consider His truths
i pray that God gives me strength to honor Him

nothing else matters.

the sheep is on the chain. sounds like some code phrase. shortly before i returned to my beloved, sunny so cal the sheep was caught by family of the owner as it tried to make a break for the river but got caught in the mud. still big news six months after the sheep broke free.

don't worry folks. this time they're using a stronger chain.

more news later but a brief sheep update is in order. the sheep appears to still be loose though one of the owners (who keeps the sheep chained up like a dog?) got close enough to touch the sheep. over the course of the holidays, they've put more than enough tranquilizer to knock down an elk but the sheep is too hyped. so if you happen to be in Milton, PA and see a sheep cross the road just let it be someone will take it home soon.